[6:34pm]

Dear God,

I don’t know what to say these days. These days, the Christian life feels hard. These days, I’m getting more easily frustrated, more easily angered, by what I deem to be the demands of Christian life. These days, the doubts and questions I’ve had previously feel like they’re being screamed into my ear through a megaphone, non-stop. 

I panic when I hear the phrases ‘Give it all up for Jesus’, ‘Pick up your cross’, ‘The Christian life is one of suffering, just as Christ did’, ‘Being on fire for God’, ‘Ministry’. 

This is not the first time I’ve experienced these kinds of frustrations. Everytime I’ve had to sacrifice more time to do more for God – spending 3-4hours at Bible Study on Fridays, 4-5hours at church on Sundays, saying yes to more and more things which require me to give up more and more time – I’ve experienced this. And it only grew when I looked around and felt like because other people were doing even more, what I was doing was nothing to be frustrated by. The guilt that follows these periods of frustration (or more often intertwined) is one I cannot put into words.

However, this time it’s different. This time the intensity had reached magnitudes I could not have imagined myself. Let me paint a picture: I started googling stories of people who had left the faith and found myself being comforted by them. 

What prompted this, you may ask? Well, let me tell you a story.

I had been single for almost three years, but a couple months ago, I met a guy. At that point, I had slowly been transitioning into the mindset that I don’t care for a relationship, and being at peace with the possibility of being single for a long, long time. This came after a long period of longing for a partner (initially for the wrong reasons, but eventually feeling like I had all this love to give). Anyway, the point is, I just stopped. 

Then one day, on a random day I had least expected, I met a guy. We weren’t supposed to meet. The way things happened that day, our paths were not supposed to cross, but they did. Initially, I was very resistant to starting anything, and I outright mentioned that two weeks in out of panic. I had heard so many different things about Christian dating, and I had previous baggage, but more importantly, I didn’t want to do things wrong. I didn’t want to eventually disappoint God by doing the wrong thing, so I didn’t want to start anything. I didn’t want to eventually hurt someone else because I didn’t discern God’s voice well. I had hurt someone before and if I did it again, I didn’t think I would ever forgive myself (I don’t think I had forgiven myself before). But we kept hanging out, and I kept falling for him more and more. But, I only allowed myself to do that once I knew he was Christian. Then after that, came all the lists I had developed in my head from reading all the books, listening to all the sermons/podcasts, etc. Is he really Christian? What does he believe about the gospel? So, I would ask questions, sometimes baiting ones, and try to see if he ticked these things off. Not because I thought that was good for him, but because that would mean I was ‘doing things right’. I started getting into spirals if things didn’t match up. He would miss church to finish up work for a deadline and I would think ‘Oh no, this is not a good sign. This is a sign from God that we should not do this.’. Or I would constantly bring up things about God (in an unnatural way i.e. forcing myself to) just to see his reaction, and I would think ‘Ahhh why isn’t he engaging more in this, that’s a bad sign’. Or maybe sometimes he would say something really wise, or be listening to worship music, or would proclaim that God is AMAZING just from seeing the sunset, and my worries would be allayed (temporarily). These spirals were TORTURE for me. I would get headaches, lose my appetite, chest pains, and I wouldn’t be able to work. I constantly felt like everything I was doing was wrong, that I didn’t know what God was saying, but also that I was disobeying Him. So, one day, after about 6 weeks, I decided to just end things. But I felt even worse after that. I missed church the next day, and cried my eyes out because I thought ‘What did I just do?’ We eventually got back together 2 days later, and had a lengthy discussion about my fears, his fears, what dating means to us as believers (for a purpose), what our non-negotiables are, and all the like. I asked God to help me with my words, and I confessed my fears to him as plainly as possible. We agreed on the most important things, we both wanted to be with other believers, we believed dating was to get to know someone and see if they’re someone you would consider marrying and all the like. A week later, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was over the moon! But it was cut short by the return of the anxiety again. Are we disobeying God? Am I, specifically, disobeying God? Did I just follow my feelings? Oh no, I made a huge mistake, and I was going to ruin my life, and God was going to be mad at me, punish me, and I would deserve it. In fact, I believed that the hell of anxiety that I was in at the time was what I deserved because I disobeyed. I spoke to a trusted friend about it, and . . .

-God, I’m sorry. I’m so exhausted just writing about this. I’m so tired. I think I’ll end here for today.

-Moonie x.

Photo Context: Nothing for today, guys. Sorry.