[8:06pm]

Oof, today was one of the first days I’ve started to wonder if I can keep up with blogging and posting every day. I worry a lot about it feeling like an obligation, to the point where I’m not really reflecting on anything as I write, but I’m just writing so I can post something. For now, I think I will give myself grace to skip a day or two if I just can’t find the time, just to preserve the authenticity of what I put down.

Anyway, I almost skipped church today because I wanted to spend most of the day studying. I’m glad I went though; the message today was aptly centered around rest, and what true rest means as a Christian. Over a year ago, I decided to set aside Sunday as a rest day (to observe it as the Sabbath), and I was really intentional about it. I would go to church, spend time with friends, and prep to go to bed early so that I could start the week well. It was the best decision I had ever made after a very rough junior year that was riddled with anxiety especially at the beginning of the week. These days I’m not as diligent, and I can already see the effects of it. I keep sneaking in work to do, and it almost always results in me being anxious, already overwhelmed by the coming week. The truth is, the work never ends. Something our preacher said resonated with me so well: ‘Left to our own devices, we really want to keep working. When everything is going well, we want to keep working because we feel like we might as well make the most of it. When things aren’t going well, we want to work even harder to compensate for that. So really, the work doesn’t stop until we decide to.’

For me, I recognize that there is definitely a fear behind intentionally pausing. What if I fall behind? Other people are using this time to work harder and that’s probably why I’ll never be as good. It’s a really deep fear. Intentionally pausing means that I have to trust God, and believe that He is in control. He wants me to pause and rest, and trust that He’ll work all things together for my good. To be honest, I still find this hard to do, and today, I had a whole internal battle about whether to pause or not. With my midterm coming up on Tuesday, my anxiety won, and I decided to study. I can’t help but feel . . disappointed ? I want to keep trying though; I know the moment I stop trying will definitely be the moment I fail for real. Living in this here physical world makes the pressures from all the tangible stuff all the more intense, so I also need to get better at asking for help from the Holy Spirit.

On other other news, I’ve been working on a flyer/poster for a student club I’m starting up with two other students. It’s for our inaugural dinner, and it took me a ridiculous amount of time, but I’m so proud of it! I sent it for feedback, and I want to remain proud of the work I put in it regardless of the feedback. Being open to criticism is SO much easier said than done.

-Moonie x.

Photo Context: I made this painting for my roommate (shoutout to YouTube tutorials!). It actually took much more time and effort than I had anticipated, and I remember halfway (at like 12am) thinking ‘Why am I even do this???’ Thank God I really care about my roommate because that’s literally what pushed me till the end.