Oh my, it’s been so long since I’ve written down an entry; quite a bit has happened within the past week.

I attended my first church retreat. That retreat challenged (and continues to challenge) me. The main message was really about us as Christians taking the gospel seriously. How do we view the cross? Do we fully appreciate it? Do we see it as irrefutable evidence of God’s love for us and does the way we live our lives show this? Have we truly repented? Do we really see ourselves as wretched sinners in need of a Savior? Do we share God’s heart for the lost, and does that motivate us to share the gospel? Have we taken risks for God? Are we willing to bear the cost of being Christians? Have we evaluated the cost of chasing our ambitions on our relationship with God? As a graduate student, what defines you? So, so many heart-piercing questions, that ultimately led to one conclusion for myself – I call myself Christian, but I don’t really think I’m following Jesus. I don’t think I’ve laid my life down or fully surrendered to Him. 

One of my commitments following the retreat was that I wouldn’t be scared to tell people about my faith, and/or have uncomfortable conversations about it. Honestly, God is so good because literally a day after I found an opening to ask my lab mentor about his beliefs; a conversation which carried over to the next day. Now, I don’t exactly feel super confident because there’s a lot of things I don’t quite understand yet myself, but it’s a step. 

One of the many things that really stuck with me is something that was repeated throughout: ‘Don’t leave this retreat and forget all you have heard and learnt. It would be such a shame for you to leave the same way you came in. There is a reason why you came to this retreat, this specific year, especially as a young person. There is a reason why you have been blessed with this opportunity to know the gospel at your age.’

I left that retreat with a lot of wrestling happening in my soul.

God, what is my reason?

-Moonie x.

Photo Context: This is from last year’s Halloween – my first time carving a pumpkin 🎃! I never really celebrate Halloween but this was a vibe.