[10:24pm]

I am currently sitting on my bed, dying from the heat that I turned on myself. I’m too lazy to go and turn off the heater, so I’ve been working in these self-imposed hot and dry conditions for 2+ hours. Anyway, it’s been what I am cautiously calling a ‘productive’ day. I worked on my journal club presentation all day, but I’m picking out tiny details, fussing over what I should include and what I shouldn’t, or more accurately, what would be CORRECT to include and what wouldn’t. It has resulted in multiple brain-blocks. This entire grad school journey as a whole, so far (~4months), has been one brain block after the other.

Everytime I struggle with wanting to sound/be correct, I think back to my Chinese classes in undergrad (I minored in Chinese), and how I felt so free to learn in them. Granted, Chinese is not engineering, but I remember how it was one of the few classes where I didn’t care much about being ‘correct’, and it encouraged me to be more explorative and creative in the class and its assignments. I had a lot of fun. 

I try to remind myself now that I am learning, and when I’m doing something for the first time, it’s okay to not get it all right, but what I’m responsible for is doing my best and being open to growing. One of my close friends likes to say that I should embrace being a beginner. My obsession with being correct makes this difficult, but I’m trying more and more to slowly shed it off. Has anyone succeeded at moving past this? Please, share some wisdom.

-Moonie x.

Picture Context: During Winter Break ’22, I decided I really wanted to paint, so I impulsively bought an acrylic paint set and saved a bunch of YouTube tutorials to follow. Before then, I had never painted (except finger painting in kindergarten). This painting was my very first one, which I eventually gifted to a dear friend. I know I typically have my photos in monochrome, but I just felt like so much detail would be lost in that with this painting.