[11:49am]
In the spirit of trying to be emotionally mature, here I am, working through my emotions in real time. Here goes.
So right now, my spirit is not at rest. I’m noticing in myself feelings of inadequacy, of sadness, and a little bit of anger, most, if not all, of which may be an overreaction.
My plan for today was to come in early in the morning, do my experiment, go to class, grab results, catch up on class work, attend my other class, then go home, prep dinner (I’m having a guest), then do a little bit of work after and sleep. I felt confident in the plan, that it was reasonable, and I intentionally did not want to spend too much time in lab today because I was there all day yesterday. Right now though, I feel really defeated; as though maybe I’m just not working hard enough. Yesterday I had an on-campus job interview, and I started getting nervous because I was wondering how I was going to balance everything. But then, today I was talking to the other Masters student in my lab who is easily doing 3-4times what I’m doing, and will be TA’ing as well next quarter, and honestly guys, I feel like a loser. That’s truly how I feel right now. And he’s TAing for a class that the Professor had initially spoken to me about TAing for. I started to get thoughts that maybe she realized that I wouldn’t be capable, or that I couldn’t handle it, I don’t know. But also, I should’ve asked about it more, so this is mostly my fault. I’m starting to even feel guilty for not getting as much work done last night. Also, we might have a new student joining the lab, and I started to think, she might even come in and do way better than me as well (which is a ridiculous thought, but I think it was more based on the fear that it might amplify/expose that I’m not working hard enough or something). And, I made another mistake in this morning’s experiment. I just . . . .All these things are not major things, I’m aware, but I also recognize that I have a tendency to lump everything together and drive myself crazy.
I practically ran out of lab because I started feeling SO overwhelmed. At the same time, I don’t want to sink in my feelings, so I wanted to write them down to figure out why exactly I’m feeling what I’m feeling. In short, I have a lot of fear. I fear that maybe I’m not doing enough, but in moments where I feel as though I’m working hard, I fear that so much of my worth is tied to what I’m doing that I won’t know when/where to stop. I worry a lot about what others think of me, and I worry that maybe they think I’m not smart enough, I’m not willing to work as hard enough as everyone, that I’m just not enough. I worry about a lot of other things like disappointing the people around me that may think highly of me. I just worry.
A friend of mine yesterday sent me a link to an article that lists Ten Big Daily Reminders (for Christians). Right now, I think I’m going to go ahead and read and meditate on them. I’ll share the first one here:
- God exists.
-Moonie x.
Photo Context: This is what I cooked on Christmas! 🎄 There’s a lot going on, but it was good stuff. I was POOPED after this day, phew!