Guys, my spirit is not well. There’s a whole lot of wrestling going on inside.

Backstory: I have never been baptized, and since about a year ago, I’ve really wanted to get baptized.

Current story: One of the ladies at my church, who I read the Bible with sometimes, just texted to ask whether I want to be baptized, but she added that do so, I needed a testimony. Knowing this church, they want the testimony to be recorded, for a PowerPoint presentation to be made and presented, the works. 

I don’t know if I have a (strong) testimony. All I know is one day God really opened my eyes to how rotten I was, and I wanted to get to know him better ever since. I look back and think ‘Man, He saved me because if I had continued on that path, I would’ve hurt a lot more people.’ I still struggle with a lot of things though. To this day, I haven’t read the whole Bible. I don’t think I necessarily feel big big feelings that I normally hear people expressing in their testimonies. I feel a little phony. I’m scared of going up and trying to make up a big story, because I really don’t have one. I don’t doubt God’s existence, but I still struggle with fundamental things like fully receiving God’s forgiveness and grace, and not trying to do things on my own. I’m still wrestling with having to redefine a lot of things in my life, having to give up or change a lot of ideas I’ve had since I was young. I don’t want to disappoint God by not doing this, but I can’t help but feel like an inadequate Christian.

As much as I never really write these entries expecting a response, these are some of the rare times I wish someone was on the other side of this screen. 

Lord, please help me.

Today, I’m thankful for getting to do Bible study in the morning with someone from church, and for a beautiful day. I’m also thankful for some of the things I learnt in lab today, which also happened to be the day I made a lot of mistakes. I’m thankful to my mentor who continues to give me so much grace.

I’m so tired, I just want to sleep, but there’s no way I’m getting everything done if I go to bed.

-Moonie x.

Photo Context: The sunrise by the lake fill in Evanston is SO beautiful! This is one of the things that would motivate me to get up at 5am to go running; just to stop and marvel at this and think ‘Wow God, look at what you made!’ 🌅