[9:47pm]

Good evening,

I’m yet again attempting a one-draft post; any more editing/ruminating will lead to no post at all. Man, I’ve had an emotionally draining week. But, I made it to the other side. This year, my low self-worth and lack of self-love issues really hit me in the face like a truck, multiple times, rolling back and forth. This was especially when I entered a new relationship. They do say some issues may not come up until you’re trying to build intimacy with someone else, and boy have they all come out to play for me. It’s been hard. Just the realization itself sometimes left me feeling completely defeated. I kept thinking – at my grown age, how am I still struggling with issues of self-love and identity? Especially as a Christian? Embarrassing. The other side of the coin, which I’m clinging to the most right now is: Hey – look, I’ve been given a chance to work and grow in this area. Yes, having it exposed sucks, but I think being completely unaware of it and just moving through life scares me even more. I’m committed to doing the work, and will be going back to therapy in a few weeks. More than that, I’m practicing accepting myself where I am, not postponing it until I get to where I wish to be. Just earlier, I kept ruminating on a mistake I had made, beating myself up and just really tearing myself down. In my head though, there was another smaller voice going ‘God forgives you. He forgave you.’ over and over and over. I thought of Psalm 103:8, 1 John 1:9 and 1 John 3:20, and I just BAWLED my eyes out. All this time I’ve never really sat to consider and receive God’s full forgiveness. I received it conditionally, and I kept feeling as though even moving forward He looked at me with those sins in mind. I imagined Him being so disappointed. And yet, Psalm 103:12 said what it said. It was as though in that moment I got a glimpse of greater understanding, and thought, ‘Woah God, you really forgave me for that? For ALL of that?’ I just couldn’t fathom it. I’m processing this in real time – so, who am I then, to keep myself in bondage because of my mistakes? Is that loving myself? All this time I believed that the right thing to do to make sure that I don’t repeat my mistakes, and to show that I take my sins seriously, is to continuously punish myself over them. Deep down it’s really because I believed that that is what God wants me to do. But God is love, and how is that loving? Even with all these scriptures that talk about His compassion, His grace and forgiveness, how do I keep arriving at that conclusion? I don’t know; all I know is that is not the life I want to lead. So, again, I am committed to doing the work and not being passive about reaffirming God’s word over my life, and my identity. I feel a little too preachy, but hey, we’re free styling.

Life is so interesting man. You get the good and the bad, and sometimes the bad can be so overwhelming and threaten to knock you down and keep you there. So, I am thankful for the rare moments of courage where I am able to recommit myself to getting back up and trying again. I recommit to giving myself a chance. To learning how to love myself, how to see myself the way God does. May you be blessed to get a glimpse, or a whole, extended view of who God says you are. And may you dwell there, be restored and built up, so that you can keep going. May you inspire that in others as well.

Photo Context: Okay I’ve been slowly but surely getting back into my baking bag, and enjoying it again. 🍪 Praise the Lord for restoring my joy in the things I used to love! These were gingersnap cookies I made and boy these things were GOOD okay?! And, when you partially coat them in dark chocolate – phew! Let me not say too much 🤭