I’m sorry; I could not find strength to continue the story from the last post. TLDR – This is my first relationship as a ‘serious’ Christian, and day-in day-out I was constantly looking for signs on whether it’s right. I constantly asked God to take it away if not. I constantly asked my partner questions as a sort of ‘trap’, looking for him to respond in what I considered the ‘Christian way’, or like I had heard the way people at church talk. Most of the time, he didn’t, and that crushed me. Then, other times, when I wasn’t looking to test him, he would amaze me at the way he talked about God. But then I start stressing about something else. I kept asking God for more signs. I kept focusing on the things about my partner that were wrong. I kept feeling like if I failed to recognize anything that seemed off, or I did and just continued, God would punish me, and I would deserve it. My life would go down an irreversible path that would be punishment for the decisions I made now. This has made it hard for me to go to God, because I kept feeling like I’m disobeying Him so why would I even bother? I would have anxiety attacks, and would come out of it thinking ‘I’m going to break this relationship off because I can’t do this. This anxiety is probably a sign from God that I should.’ But when the time came, either a talk with a friend would intercept this decision, or I couldn’t bring myself to do it. And after that I would feel even worse. ‘I’m continuing to disobey; God hates me even more.’ ‘I’m starting to really like this guy; God hates that even more.’ ‘ The more I like Him, the more God will want me to give Him up.’ ‘Me admitting that I really like him is a sign that I should let go.’ ‘What is God wants me to be a missionary?’ ‘What if I don’t want to do what God wants me to do?’ ‘I’m a horrible Christian because I don’t know if I can obey God’ ‘Am I choosing other things over God because I enjoy them?’ ‘God hates that, and your life will be miserable because of it’ ‘You’ll never get out of this anxiety as long as you stay like this’. And a million other thoughts that would go through my mind like a tornado every single day. I struggled to eat, struggled to work, which piled on more anxiety.

Throughout this, my faith has struggled. I had always had a lurking feeling that I’m fake, but I’ll work my way into being a faithful Christian. I feel bad about everything. That I don’t want to stay at church for 5 hours on Sunday, that I don’t want to be at Bible Study for 4 hours on Friday, that sometimes I really just want to be alone. I feel bad that I don’t understand God’s love. I feel bad when I don’t feel like going to another one of the conferences my church is hosting, but I go, because I wouldn’t be able to live down the guilt. I do it because I don’t want God to be disappointed in me; I do want to please Him. I feel bad that my relationship doesn’t look like the perfect Christian relationship and that I’m still in it, and that I really like my partner, and that God is disappointed in me for all this. I feel bad that I may not want to be a missionary like everyone in my church. I feel bad that their love for me feels burdensome; that I feel like they only do it so that I can come to church all the time, say yes to all the volunteer options, all the outings, all the conferences. I feel bad when I disappoint them. I feel bad that I have been unable to read the Bible as faithfully. I feel bad that I feel ashamed to talk to anyone about it. I feel bad that I feel like I’ll be told my relationship is bad, and that I should let go. I feel bad that I feel that way; I feel like I should be willing to let go, for God. I feel bad that God’s love feels burdensome to me. That accepting it comes with a long to-do list that I don’t feel strong enough currently to contend with. I feel bad for how I am, the person I am. I feel bad that I feel so tired. I feel bad for wanting a break. I feel bad for reading stories of ex-Christians who felt this way and finding comfort in them. I feel bad because I don’t want to persevere; I don’t want to be told to do that. That if I accept that, it’ll mean more work in the faith for me, and I already feel tired by that.

Something about going through all the hoops to try to ascertain that this relationship is ‘IT’ has made my faith come undone at the seems. And I feel SO EXHAUSTED. I am so tired, God. Please. I keep imagining all the ways that maybe this is a trial, maybe God will leave me here until I learn something. Maybe I’m missing the learning. Maybe my unwillingness/disobedience will keep me here for a very long time. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I look at all other Christians and feel like I’m such a mess, that I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never do enough. I am just tired.