[8:55am]

It’s finally Friday, yay! I have a long day ahead of me, but that’s okay. I’m most nervous about our Bible Study tonight because I’m being asked to share a little bit about the retreat. I’m nervous because I’m wired to always think ‘What’s the correct thing to do/say/think?’ aka ‘What do people expect me to do/say/think?’. It took me a while to agree, but I finally did this morning. Lord help me.

*Adding this a couple of days later* It actually went well. I had my head down the whole time because I felt really vulnerable and couldn’t look anyone in the eye. I still struggle sometimes with feeling phony, as though I shouldn’t say anything about God because who do I even think I am? I don’t know much and I keep making more and more mistakes. But, I can’t help but feel like that’s probably where the enemy wants to keep me; a state where I am in constant uncertainty of God’s love for me and my identity in Him, to the point where it’ll breed doubt and unbelief in the gospel. Phew, God forbid! I watched a YouTube video the other day where the creator was talking about his decision to leave Christianity and I just felt so unsettled. The doubts he had are doubts I have at times, however, in me, there is this deep conviction that God is there. No matter what I doubt, I just know He is. I just don’t understand some things, yet.

-Moonie x.

Photo Context: A painting session from the day after Christmas last year. Christmas Day itself had taken so much out of me with all the cooking and hosting, so the next day all I wanted to do was just be by myself and relax.