[10:23pm]

Currently lying in bed, feeling accomplished because I managed to FINALLY make an edit that has been giving me grief on WordPress!! I’ve been trying and failing for the past couple of days, but after a tonne of Google searches and trial and error, it finally worked. So proud of myself 🙂 There’s something about journaling (in anonymity) that makes me feel like it’s okay to celebrate and be proud of myself. Generally, I discourage myself. I convince myself that it’s not a big deal, and that there’s still so much else to achieve (especially compared to other people my age). It’s not healthy, I know, but I think my biggest problem is that I don’t know where to draw the line. If I choose to celebrate, how much do I do it? When does it become too much for too long? When can I start thinking about and focusing on the next thing (because truly, there are other things)? 

Anyway, it’s been quite the eventful day today. I was invited to a birthday thing for one of my labmates, and I had been so nervous about it (new people etc etc). It actually wasn’t too bad; I did meet nice people, played some boardgames, all good stuff. However, I had a moment where I compromised on something I had made a promise to myself about. For the remaining three weeks of January, I had promised not to drink alcohol. This is part of an ongoing thing I want to do where the eventual goal is cutting out drinking completely. I’ve definitely slowed down since my senior year of undergrad (down to a glass of wine only on special occasions), but I’ve felt a pull in my heart (I feel like it’s the Holy Spirit?) to stop indefinitely. In college, this means cutting yourself out of a lot of social activities, which I’ve done for the most part. But, today, the shindig was hosted at a brewery. I stood there feeling awkward, everyone else having a drink, people asking me what I’m having etc etc. And I caved (yes, go ahead and sigh along with me in disappointment). I got a small glass of beer (which is all they had), but from the jump, it just didn’t feel right. I had about 2-3 sips, then I just stopped, and gave it to someone else. And something that gave me the courage to stop was actually seeing a Diet coke which looked like it belonged to someone else there. When I saw that, I wanted to slap my forehead. I could have brought along my own non-alcoholic drink!! There’s something about seeing someone else uphold their own values right in the moment where you’re compromising yours that punches you right in the gut. Man, I was so mad at myself; I still am. To be honest, I realized that the pressure to drink in social settings still affects me more than I want to admit. 

*longest sigh yet* . Don’t compromise on your values and convictions guys. It is NEVER worth it, ever. The regret that follows will be a painful reminder of that.

-Moonie x.

Photo Context: This was my first attempt at making caramel! Technically, it was my second, but only because I threw out the first one because I thought I messed up (in hindsight, it would have actually been fine). I was honestly impressed at how good it tasted. That year, I had decided to make my own three-layer birthday cake, which had a caramel flavored Swiss meringue buttercream, and caramel drip design. Halfway through, I started to regret it because it was SO MUCH WORK! The final cake looked meh, and tasted okay. Maybe I’ll try again this year?