[6:43pm]

Today was one of those days where I was really forced to lean on God (which I really should do everyday!), because after the poo-show that was yesterday, I had no idea what to expect. But honestly, I think it went well. I got home before dark, which felt so good! Managed to use 2-3hrs to shower, have dinner, watch a show and just relax for a minute. 

Anyway, today I asked one of my lab mates what his motivation(s) for what he’s doing in lab (or graduate school in general) are. He’s a really articulate person, and his reasons were pretty solid. I really liked what he said at the end along the lines of ‘This is what I think could be done differently, and someone just has to buckle down and do the work. I’ve decided to be one of those people.’ I thought that was so powerful. 

Something has been nagging me for a while now – why am I doing what I’m doing? Any of it. Why am I in grad school? For real, not just some stuff I put up in my statement of purpose. I was recently on the website of my school’s masters of public health program and I was in so much awe reading their motivations. You can literally feel their strong convictions for what they’re doing through their writing. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I don’t really think I have that. I came for Masters because I didn’t like what I did in my undergrad, and I thought Bio was interesting (getting a Masters is also not a bad idea in this economic climate where everyone has a graduate degree). However, most of the time I feel like I’m just doing what I need to do. I feel phony sometimes because being asked my reasons for why I’m doing research is a question I really dread. I don’t really know for sure.

I am no longer okay with pushing this under the rug, with ignoring this feeling. I don’t think I’m satisfied anymore with just doing things, and just getting it done out of pure work ethic. I’ve done things in my life where I had been willing to lose sleep because I really wanted the thing to succeed, so I know it is possible to have that drive that comes out of purpose and/or just genuinely enjoying something. These were mostly student organizations and stuff though, as well as other hobbies. I worry a lot about whether this lack of ‘passion’ towards what I’m doing has a (negative) impact on my output. Don’t get me wrong, I do my best, but I always wonder whether if I really felt like I was purposed to do this, would I be doing more?

My ‘ambition’ ? I just want to earn enough money to live well, and be able to enjoy myself and take care of my loved ones and others as much as I can. I don’t know if I necessarily want to change the world (sorry, world). I feel like I’m in a [whatever stage of life this is] crisis. More than anything, I’m a little ashamed for just not knowing. I’m in my mid-twenties for crying out loud!!!!

Sometimes, my intrusive thoughts just want me to go somewhere random, work in a random industry not related to my work, and just do something that I’m not expected by anyone to do. For once, to be led by my inner conviction (from God) to do something, and not have any influences from the noise outside. That is easier said than done though.

God, please open my eyes, please show me something, even just a glimpse.

There’s something about this blog though. No matter how tired I am, there’s always a pull to organize my thoughts in writing, find a picture and remember the interesting story behind it, and put an entire post together. There’s a thrill to it all, but, I don’t know, I feel a little silly.

-Moonie x.

Photo Context: I went kayaking one time, and it was really fun, for the first 30mins. After that, I was over it. This picture of me in the middle of the vast, formidable ocean, paddling my way through it (even after exhaustion) is kind of a metaphor for this season of my life. I just feel lost man. I’m trying to find my way through life, and I’ll do my best, but this feeling sucks.